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Direct reporter Jim Emerson recently wrote about the Direct Marketing Association's plan to merge its Direct Marketing Days/New York Conference, Directo Days (Hispanic marketing) Conference, International Day and List Day/Fast Forward events (DMA Will Merge Smaller Events With DM Days New York).

Casual observers might interpret this as a desperate attempt to solve the problem of under-attended conferences by stitching them together into a crazy quilt of direct marketing disciplines. Friends, nothing could be further from the truth. This move was part of a clever plan the DMA concocted to generate fresh in-conference buzz.

And there will be buzz, or at least muttering in the hallways as list professionals (Anglos and Latinos alike) huddle with Hispanic-focused marketers and attempt to negotiate net-name agreements in euros, pesos, dollars, lempiras, cordobas and bolivars, among other currencies. The buzz will be further heightened by DM Days attendees' attempts to navigate the strikingly inhospitable Javits Convention Center, a venue that features signage incomprehensible in any language.

But these are picayune concerns. The real flaw with the DMA's plan is that it doesn't go far enough. A top-to-bottom reconfiguration of its conferences might look something like the following:

The New York Nonprofit Conference will be combined with the Washington Nonprofit Conference, with the resulting event being based in Chester, PA. "If you do the math, it makes sense," said one DMA official. "No, not the attendance math, the topographic math."

The E-mail Evolution Conference will be paired with two new events, Catalog Creationism and Internet Intelligent Design. Incorporating these changes will allow attendees to hear a full range of marketing theories, as well as make the conference more palatable to the Kansas Convention and Visitors Bureau.

The curiously named Catalog-On-The-Road Conference has never explained how it differs from the DMA's Annual Conference for Catalog and Multichannel Merchants, nor what the On The Road portion of its name signifies. Both of these questions will be answered when the conference is revamped.

First, every participating firm will need to prove that it is a pure-play catalog marketer. Those that have ever considered using Web or e-mail marketing channels will be prohibited from participating.

Second, its "On The Road" designation will reflect that the conference will physically travel across the United States. The conference caravan will debut in Lowell, MA and travel along I-90 before joining up with Route 66 in Chicago and heading west to Los Angeles. Given the "print catalog only" nature of the event, the caravan should require no more than a single, shock absorber-challenged Volkswagen Microbus.

The Annual Conference for Catalog and Multichannel Merchants will be combined with the National Center for Database Marketing Conference and Exhibition, solely to claim the bragging rights for the longest trade conference name. Staff coordinators of the new A.C.F.C.A.M.M.N.C.D.M.C.A.E. will proudly distribute the world's first tri-fold business cards, which when fully extended will be roughly the size of a military-issue parachute.

The Nonprofit Critical Issues Conference will continue to operate independently of the Nonprofit Leadership Summit. The former will continue to serve as a forum for the discussion of critical issues. As nonprofit leaders are apparently not needed at the Critical Issues Conference, the latter will be reserved for the annual nonprofit chief executives' tiddlywinks tournament.

List Day and Fast Forward, two closely linked prospecting industry events, will be formally combined into Listing Forward, a gin-soaked affair consisting of tipsy veteran list executives lurching around the chosen venue, attempting to lure those new to the industry back to their motel rooms for "special executive training seminars."

The conference formerly known as DMA Annual, and currently branded as DMAO8, will attempt to tap the lucrative China market. A proposed slogan for this effort, which highlights the middle three characters in DMAO8 ("You can't have DMAO8 without MAO"), has tested well in Beijing. Look for the Little Red Conference Brochure in your mailbox.

Finally, Circulation Day and Insert Media Day will be combined with the independently operated AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. Pressed for the DMA's thinking behind this merger, a spokesperson refused to comment, preferring instead to hold his fist up to his mouth and snicker.

To respond to this column, please contact richard.levey@penton.com