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The Direct Marketing Association's press releases reveal its penchant for approaching industry developments with a mixture of cautiousness and corporate-speak. Recently discovered documents suggest this tendency is nothing new. What follows is an unreleased DMA press statement drafted shortly after one such event.

DAWN OF CREATION, either 4004 BCE or 13,700,000,000 BCE — The Direct Marketing Association (DMA) today endorsed the actions that led to the establishment of light, heaven, earth, the seas, vegetation, the sun and stars, and two varieties of small scratching beings — those without thumbs, and those with.

“The DMA has worked tirelessly during the last six days, encouraging the formation of a multichanneled universe that will benefit all members of the direct marketing community,” said Jupiter A. Roman, the DMA's president and CEO. “While we are not at liberty to talk about our behind-the-scenes lobbying activities, we are confident that the world would be in significantly worse shape than it is if not for the DMA's efforts.”

The DMA applauded completion of the Creation ahead of schedule, allowing the seventh day to be set aside for inventory management.

The DMA is waiting to evaluate the marketing opportunities available in heaven, but feels there is great potential growth for the direct marketing community on earth. “We are especially pleased with the separation of the firmament from the sea on the second day of the process,” Roman added. “This will allow DMers the opportunity to explore a variety of cost-effective ground-based shipping alternatives.”

The DMA looks forward to the eventual establishing of ethical guidelines, whether the 10 Judeo-Christian commandments, the five pillars of Islam, or the threefold law of Wicca, but cautioned that overly restrictive behavior codes may impede the free flow of personal data necessary for differentiated marketing activities.

The DMA eagerly anticipates the founding of the United States of America in what will be either 13,699,998,224 or 5,780 years from now, depending on variances in accounting systems. Once the U.S. is established, we anticipate direct marketing will, within 230 years, contribute $2.025 trillion to its incremental sales and directly employ 1.6 million workers while supporting nearly 9 million other jobs.

To achieve this end, the DMA provisionally endorses the proposed edict to “be fruitful and multiply,” to the extent that it provides both a consumer and an employee base for the industry.

“While the final results of the Creation aren't fully clear, the DMA is cautiously optimistic that in the long term, the origination of the universe will prove beneficial to the direct marketing community,” Roman said.

For more of Richard H. Levey's Loose Cannon columns, visit http://directmag.com/opinions-columnists/loosecannon/index.html.