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IT'S ALWAYS A SHAME TO SEE A WORTHY NONPROFIT RUN A fundraising ad that just doesn't do the job. One can't help thinking that the ad money could have been better spent on the organization's programs.

I found this ad for the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation in a recent issue of BusinessWeek. Of course, I have no way of knowing how it got there. For all I know, this expensive page was remnant space and was granted free to the foundation as a donation to its cause.

And indeed the design and copy (what copy?) may have been donated too.

But that still doesn't forgive using this valuable space for an appeal that falls far short of what should have been accomplished.

About 95% of the ad is taken up with a bleed photograph of a deserted, scary slum street at night. The only light comes from a street lamp and from a lighted window on the third floor.

Down near the sidewalk we see the words “It's safer here” stenciled in white capital letters.

Then up above, right below the window, two more words: “Than here.”

Admittedly, it's a powerful visual metaphor.

But I'm afraid this is one of those ads where you have to stop while paging through the magazine and take a moment to figure out what it's saying. And as you know from my past columns, I am dead-set against that.

Hmm, let's see. Oh, I get it: Something dangerous is going on in that walk-up apartment. So dangerous, in fact, that being there is worse than down on that lonely, menacing street.

But what is it? Maybe a terrorist is putting together a suitcase bomb up there?

No…wait, wait, I found a clue. At the very bottom of the ad is some teeny-type. In what appears to be 8-point Helvetica, it says, “For many women and children, there is no more dangerous place to be than home. Call 1.877.868.4JOE or go to www.joetorre.org to help make home safe again.”

So far, so good — but not far enough. Too much picture, powerful as it is; not enough copy to provide any understanding or sense of urgency. How can some foundation make homes safe from domestic violence if the head of the household is an angry, out-of-control heavy drinker? And what has Joe Torre got to do with it? Why should I bother to call (and get solicited for a donation) or to go the Web site?

In planning a makeover, I always have three things in mind:

1. Visualize the prospect. (Who's the ad talking to? Or who should it be talking to?)

2. Clarify what the ad is trying to say and make it more readable.

3. Involve the prospects. Make them feel like taking the time and trouble to visit the advertiser's Web site, and if possible tempt them with a reward for doing so.

When I went to the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation's site, I found out the real story. It's an interesting and compelling one.

As a child, Joe had an abusive alcoholic father and lived in constant fear at home.

It scarred him emotionally and made his life as an adult difficult. So in memory of his mother, he decided to establish a foundation to help kids who live in fear and danger as he did. It's developed some very sensible and effective strategies and programs. But to do more, they need financial support.

Potential donors have to know this. But the ad conveys it very poorly.

I started by visualizing my prospects: reasonably affluent; generous, kindhearted (and ideally, also baseball fans); maybe, in some cases, even those whose childhood was spent in homes where there was domestic violence.

These people need to be told more — quickly and readably — before they turn the page.

I kept that powerful photograph, but added explanatory tags so readers would understand its import right away.

Then in the headline I completed the thought and made the transition to what's being advertised and what the need is. I positioned financial supporters as a “team.” What baseball fan wouldn't want to be on Joe Torre's team?

Just in case younger readers didn't know, I started the body copy with a quick reminder of Joe's honors. Next I told the foundation's story completely enough to get people interested. And to provide additional motivation for visiting the Web site I invented an offer to spark donations: a free Yankee baseball cap “autographed” by Joe. (To make room, I omitted the foundation logo, but this could be worked out.)

I think this approach would bring in a whole lot more responses and many more team volunteers.

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THOMAS L. COLLINS (thomas.l.collins@verizon.net) is an independent creative and marketing consultant based in Portland, OR.